


Like So Long Ago

by bethanyyerinn



Category: Nimona (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, because love was actually canon for once, but seriously did I mention that a slash couple was canon for once, but there was not enough of le loves, for you all to loves, so I wrote le loves, this is never a thing, yay for gay, yes for gay love being canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 00:37:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethanyyerinn/pseuds/bethanyyerinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ballister Blackheart has heard that Ambrosius Goldenloin is awake and wants to see him. But he isn't sure if he's ready to forgive Ambrosius for everything that's happened. Can things return to what they were? Or are they better off forgetting the past altogether?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like So Long Ago

**Author's Note:**

> I read this web comic and gobbled it up in one sitting. It was simply marvelous. It can be found here: 
> 
> http://gingerhaze.com/nimona/comic/page-1
> 
> I wrote this at the request of my best friend, who needed more love. And so I obliged.

“Sir Goldenloin is awake. He’s asking for you.”

Ballister had sat next to his bed, sure. He had hoped beyond hope. But he didn’t realize until the moment he heard the words that he never actually expected to hear them.

He was nothing if not conflicted on the entire thing. When you swore to loathe someone for quite as long as he had been swearing it, it was hard to let the grudge go. Not to mention he wasn’t sure if Ambrosius even deserved forgiveness. There was a part of him that was sure he didn’t, in fact.

But then there was the area in the back of his mind where one solitary phrase had been echoing, no matter what had been happening around him since it was uttered:

_I’m sorry, Ballister. I’m so sorry._

Ballister wanted that to make no difference—that the other man was, after everything, sorry for what he had done. In fact, that’s what he told Ambrosius. _Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I would have forgiven you. Still, it’s a relief, I suppose._

But it was beyond that. He wasn’t just sorry. After all this time… it really had been an accident. Ballister couldn’t exactly decide whether or not that mattered. It still had happened. Ambrosius had still acted as the Institution’s pawn all these years, even after everything they’d had…

What had that been, anyway? It had been so long since Ballister had even allowed himself to remember…

* * *

“I want to be a knight.”

It was a random thought. The two of them hadn’t been talking about that—they’d hardly been talking about anything. Ambrosius was rambling again. It was one of the many reasons that he got beat up by the other kids in the orphanage so often. He never really shut up, and halfway through a conversation he would start in on something totally different than a few seconds before.

This wasn’t totally surprising though, Ballister supposed. Living in an orphanage in the Institution, they talked about knights a lot. They were sort of a big deal. They were the defenders of the people, the point of the Institution. It was kind of implied that kids at the orphanage who were worthy should go for it.

But when had Ambrosius decided that he was one of those kids?

“A knight?” Ballister laughed. “Come on. You’re thirteen.”

“All knights were thirteen at some point,” he reminded Ballister. “And,” he added pointedly, elbowing Ballister in the side playfully, “they were all seventeen at some point too.”

Ballister’s eyebrow went up. “What, you think I should be a knight too?”

“Of course! If I’m going, you’re going.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he chuckled.

Ambrosius looked over to Ballister, his eyes intense and serious in a way they almost never were. “You and I are in this together.”

“’This’… meaning…”

“Everything.”

Ballister somehow kept his jaw from dropping. That… was a big statement. Bigger than even Ambrosius realized.

And somehow, Ballister didn’t even mind the sound of it.

How had this happened? How had they gotten here?

It started when Ballister saw spirit in Ambrosius that he liked. He hadn’t lost hope, unlike most of the other kids in the orphanage. He was bright, and he was fun.

And there was also the fact that he got kind of severely bullied and Ballister had a more than kind of severe hero complex. Not that he’d ever say that out loud, but it was definitely part of how they had talked in the first place. He had been fifteen when he first defended Ambrosius, and older than a lot of the kids in the orphanage. They listened, for the most part.

And that’s all it had been, at first. Ballister felt bad for the kid.

And then Ambrosius started following him around, having started to admire the older boy. And they started spending more time together, and Ballister started to like Ambrosius’ somewhat ridiculous personality. They would sometimes find each other and just start laughing, even though nothing had happened that was actually funny, and Ballister had never had anything like that before. He couldn’t help but enjoy it. And even after that, Ballister started really talking to Ambrosius. Really caring about him.

He hadn’t known the affection was even growing until Christmas one year, when Ambrosius was sure that he was going to get a visit from Father Christmas. The thought of how disappointed he would be in the morning when there was nothing made Ballister’s stomach knot up painfully.

So he’d filled up that silly stocking of his and the look on Ambrosius’ face was totally worth losing his favorite knight action figure.

But you grew up fast in the orphanage, and soon after Ambrosius figured out what Ballister must have done. It changed things… but only by making Ambrosius even more attached. There was never a moment where Ballister didn’t have a little blond twerp at his side… and he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

And now Ambrosius had dropped this on him. They were in this together. Everything. Their friendship was for life.

“Knights, huh? You and me?” asked Ballister.

“Yeah!” cried Ambrosius. “I mean, it’s obvious how good you would be at it. You’re you. But then I could learn, and I could be good too, and then nobody’d ever punch me again!”

It hadn’t occurred to Ballister until then that it could be about more than just a dream. It was about being the small kid his whole life, the one who got teased. Of course he wanted to change the status quo. Being a knight would do just that.

“Well, we’ll see. You can’t join without passing the test.”

It was a physical test. Nobody really knew what it entailed until they did it. You could do it at any age. Whether it was different if you did it when you were twelve or twenty was another unknown factor. What if they both took the test and only Ballister passed, because he was older and bigger?

“We’ll do it. Together. We’ll sign up tomorrow, okay?”

Ballister didn’t think for long. The worst that could happen would be that they didn’t get in. Ambrosius would get over the ego-hit. He was a bounce-back type of kid.

But then the two of them took the test.

And they both passed.

Before Ballister knew it, they were swept up in knight training. He didn’t actually realize life could change so quickly, or that his life goals could.

Being a knight hadn’t even registered to him until Ambrosius suggested it, but now that they were there, it was what he wanted. He wanted to save people, he always had. And he wanted to stay with Ambrosius, which he could do here.

They both aged, and they both changed. A few years of knight school was enough to knock a bit of the silliness out of Ambrosius. Beyond that, he had a growth spurt so he was no longer short and he worked out enough that he got strong… and he grew physically in other ways too. He was…

It took Ballister years and years to notice. By then, Ambrosius was almost twenty years old, and Ballister was twenty-four. But one day, he looked at Ambrosius, at his supple body and flowing hair, which he’d been growing out for ages, and he realized the other boy—Man. They were men now, he reminded himself—was beautiful. They’d been friends for so long before he even saw it—but once he did, he couldn’t stop seeing it.

It wasn’t much longer before Ambrosius caught Ballister staring, and right then Ballister realized that Ambrosius didn’t mind in the slightest. He stared right back and simultaneously they woke up and saw that what had been a friendship for ten years now wasn’t that anymore.

They never really said a word. They continued to be friends the way they always had been… but they talked about things that mattered more often. They stayed up into the night together whenever they knew they wouldn’t get caught. They sat closer, any touches lingered.

Even though they never talked about it, never gave it a name, people started to notice. The Director—who always liked Ambrosius better—warned him against whatever they had. Ambrosius relayed it back to Ballister with a laugh.

Ambrosius had become proud, that much was certain. Being on top for so long had made him lose a lot of his humility. But not enough for Ballister to think he’d changed for the worse. Ambrosius was, on the whole, a good man. Nothing could change that.

Or so Ballister thought.

Then the whole accident happened, and Ballister spent decades hating Ambrosius for it.

He would have hated him already. He lost his arm in the deal, but more than that, he lost his chance at being a knight. He was reduced to turning into a villain to try to make a difference.

It was even more devastating because they were friends, and had been for ages. The betrayal went deep, and almost nothing could make it worse.

But no, one thing could. And that was that Ballister’s feelings had been morphing. He’d thought Ambrosius’ had been too. They were… something different. Something Ballister really enjoyed. It was unnamed and strange, but he loved it. He loved…

Loved…

It didn’t matter after that. Ballister let the hate grow and grow until it was everything he was. Until it was all that mattered.

* * *

Could he forgive Ambrosius for all those years of hurt? Was that even possible? Could they even be acquaintances again… let alone…

Ballister realized that the doctor was waiting for him. He glanced over at Nimona, who gave a wry smirk. “Go, stupid,” she said, just loud enough for him to hear.

He smiled, but it was only half of one. He didn’t want to leave her, not after last time. Not after everything.

“Come on, Goldieloins is waiting. Get in there.”

“Don’t you disappear on me again,” said Ballister.

“Has anyone told you ‘Blackheart’ is a horrible name for you? You’re just a big fat softy.”

“I mean it,” he replied tersely.

“What are you, my dad?” she asked with a smirk. He kept looking at her meaningfully, and then she sighed. But couldn’t help but smile, just a little, a second later. “I’m not going anywhere,” she finally said. “Promise. Just… go see him.”

Ballister looked at her for a long moment, deciding if she meant it. When he figured she did, he nodded and turned to follow the doctor.

He was getting more nervous with every step, but he couldn’t figure out why. It was Ambrosius. They had known each other forever. Since they were kids. There was no reason to be nervous.

But he knew that wasn’t true. This one meeting… it could change everything. Certainly there was no way things would stay the same, not now.

Too soon, they were there. Ballister walked inside and there was Ambrosius, with his stupid perfect hair and perfect face, sitting up in the bed and looking at Ballister with that look in his eye. That one from so long ago, the one that Ballister hadn’t realized he missed so much until he started seeing it again a few days ago.

The doctor left, but Ballister stayed by the door even after she closed it. The two men just kept meeting eyes.

“You can come in,” Ambrosius said after a long silence, a small smile finding his lips.

“I’m okay over here.”

The smile was gone as fast as it came. “Ballister. Come on. I thought we were past this.”

“Past it?” he hissed. “What made you think that, exactly?”

“Well…” Ambrosius looked at his lap, and then back up at Ballister. There were those eyes again, pleading and innocent and full of so much emotion that neither of them had ever had the guts to voice. “I know what happened. How you… carried me out of there. You… saved me, Ballister.” Ballister looked at the ground, getting ready to make excuses. Ambrosius immediately knew that too. Even after so long, they knew each other too well. “No, listen,” Ambrosius said, sitting up farther only to grunt in pain.

Ballister moved forward a few steps without meaning to. “Hey. Don’t hurt yourself.”

Ambrosius met his eyes intently. “Then listen to me.”

“I’m listening.”

He was quiet for a long moment again before he said, “This… wasn’t the first time you saved me. All my life, you’ve been saving me, over and over.”

“I took a bit of a two decade break, if you recall,” said Ballister sardonically.

“That doesn’t matter,” Ambrosius said. “Not now. We’re both here. You know… you know I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

Ballister got angry then, inexplicably. “Ambrosius, this doesn’t change anything. After what happened, you could have tried. You could have done anything to make it better. But you didn’t do a single thing. You let me fall into darkness, and you rose up to the top. I didn’t even know you were sorry about it until last week, because you didn’t have the courage to admit it even happened!”

“I…” He sighed, looking down again. He shook his head. “You’re right. I… I was weak. I let The Director, the Institution… they swallowed me up and took everything I was away.” He looked up at Ballister again, a different kind of passion in his face now. “But all of this has shown me a lot of important things, Ballister. One, that I should stop ignoring the things that really matter, because I could die any moment and then it’ll be too late. Two… I thought you were gone, that you were a shell of what you used to be, but you aren’t. You and I haven’t much changed over the years. Not really.”

“Really? Things feel pretty different, Ambrosius,” said Ballister coldly.

“Bal. Look at me.”

He hadn’t realized he was avoiding his gaze again, but when he looked at the other man, he knew why he was. The eyes again. They pulled Ballister in like nothing else could. Before he realized he was doing it, he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

And then Ambrosius’ hand was rested on top of his thigh. Like no time had passed at all, Ballister felt shock waves go through his body, just like they did back before all this, during that perfect time when they both knew but never said a thing.

He felt like nobody had touched him in twenty years. His breath was knocked right out of his chest as he looked at Ambrosius. The hand squeezed his leg gently.

“Ballister.” It was his name, but it didn’t sound like it when Ambrosius said it like that. It sounded like a prayer. Like the prayer you utter after things went well when you were sure they were gonna blow up. When your dreams come true when you were sure you never deserved it.

“We can’t… can’t just start where we left off,” Ballister said, surprised at how breathless he sounded. “Things… they’re…” He couldn’t think of what to say. Not a single thing.

Ambrosius didn’t let him anyway. “I know we can’t. I don’t want us to. Where we were then… it was self-conscious and confused. We’re men now. We don’t have time for that anymore.”

“Time… what do you—”

“No more silence, Ballister. No more letting things happen around us and just going along with it. I’ve been doing that for twenty years and I’m done with it. So here it is, out in the open. I only looked forward to fighting you because I needed to see you there in front of me, have you close in the only way I could. And when I looked in your eyes and saw that despair, and knew it was my fault… I hated myself for it. I… I love you. I always did. I never stopped, not for a moment.”

Ballister was sure his lungs had disappeared somewhere, because he had quite forgotten how to breathe. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real. There Ambrosius was, saying… what Ballister had wanted to hear for _so long_.

“I… you…” Ballister didn’t know how to do things like this. He’d felt nothing but hate for so long. Well, other than for Nimona, but that was a little different than this. This… it was basically treading new waters. He was forty-five years old and he didn’t know how to do this.

Ballister’s fear was on his face, but he didn’t realize it until Ambrosius’ expression fell. “You… I’m too late, aren’t I?”

No. Ballister wasn’t letting him look like that. Not ever again.

He didn’t know how to say it. So he just would have to tell him without saying anything.

So he reached forward—with his good arm in a sling, he could only use his robotic arm, and for once that didn’t make him self-conscious—grabbed Ambrosius’ face, and kissed him.

It was only a second before he backed away, embarrassed. Ambrosius’ eyes were wide with surprise.

“I… well…” Ballister didn’t know what he planned to say, but there was no time for a single coherent word to come out, because then Ambrosius was grabbing for him back, and their lips were pulled together once more.

He was soft, and warm, and bright, and everything Ambrosius had always been. Like no time had passed. Like everything was okay like it hadn’t been in so long.

They parted again, their foreheads pressed together.

“Ambrosius,” Ballister said. It was closer to an actual sentence than Ballister had gotten in a few minutes.

And then Ambrosius grinned. And Ballister grinned. And then they were both laughing, even though nothing was funny, just like they used to do together so many years ago.

“About time.”

They both turned. Ambrosius was looking around in confusion, but Ballister was trained at finding Nimona, no matter what form she was in.

“ _Nimona_ ,” Ballister scolded to the rat in the corner. “You promised you weren’t gonna leave that spot.”

“I couldn’t miss this! Come on!” she said as she morphed back into a human. “Plus, when have I ever kept a promise?”

Ballister smirked. “You act like you knew this was coming.”

“Duh. Everyone who pays any attention did. Does this mean I get two dads? Cuz I guess I’m cool with that. I mean, I still think Goldilocks is a bit of a dweeb, but if you like him, whatever, I guess.”

She kept talking, but Ballister had met Ambrosius’ eye again, and he stopped hearing her. He just smiled again.

So much time wasted.

Well. Plenty of time to make it up now.


End file.
